For a few weeks I've felt strange. Distant. Detached. Quite like an alien. I watch people go about their daily routines but feel separate from all of it. It's not a negative feeling as such, just weird.
I've also felt like something needs doing, but I don't know what that thing is. And what brought on mild anxiety was that this unknown task had a time limit!
Christmas day was spent with my family, but the only company I wanted was my own. I just wanted to sit and be. My family hadn't done anything wrong, I simply had a desire to be alone. This wish was granted on Boxing Day (26th Dec) when I spent all day by myself. The sense of relief was overwhelming.
I felt like a scrooge but I couldn't resist the urge for some alone time.
When the clock struck 00:00 on the 1st Jan 2013, I was sat alone in my room on my meditation cushion, and that was exactly where I wanted to be. I went to bed not long after.
Last week I decided to do some yoga. I used to practise on a daily basis but haven't done for a while.
What a difference it made!
The day after, I felt like a new man.
That strange, anxiety-type feeling flew away not leaving a trace of its presence.
I felt light on my feet. More present. Colours were more vibrant. Sounds were crisp and clear. But it was my mental well-being which had been affected the most.
I was quiet inside.
My thoughts had ceased and any thoughts that did arise, I could take control of; they were no longer in control of me.
Do you know what that feels like? To be in charge?
It's like being in charge of the remote when the person who's usually in charge leaves the room to take a piss. Any thought which is of no use, you skip. Then the next one arises . . . any good? No? Skip!
My attention wasn't being led astray by them. Which meant my attention was here - now.
The Now is where God hides - well, at least my own definition of what God is.
You will have your own definition, and therefore we will all have a different God, but I believe there is one God which lies beyond all definitions - a bit of a contradiction, I know. But for as long as I can remember, my relationship with my definition of the G-Man, has been a healthy active one.
I ask questions regularly and get answers.
Problems get solved.
Help comes when I ask for it.
I'm not sure how it works, I just know it does.
'I pray and coincidences happen. I stop praying and coincidences stop.' Archbishop of Canterbury.
This week, though, I felt such a strong urge - and there is no other way of saying it, but I had such a strong desire to know G-Man - The Master of the Universe.
I'm not religious and didn't have a religious upbringing. My Nan always spoke about Jesus and my Mum has always loved to watch and sing along to Songs of Praise, but that's as religious as my family get. So I have no religious foundation for the beliefs I hold.
This strong desire to know G-Man came hand in hand with the amazing feeling of being at peace.
All of my desires, goals and ambitions, seemed to take a backseat, for I had eternity to make them a reality, so therefore any striving I had had ceased to be, creating loads of inner space. The past also dissolved, leaving the present moment to bloom.
Later on in the day, I was walking out of my room to have a shower, when the top of a blue bookmark, which was in a book called West Yorkshire Folk Tales, caught my attention. There was nothing special about the bookmark - in fact, I could only see about 1cm of it, but, nevertheless, I had a strong feeling to go and check it out.
I walked over to it and slowly pulled it out of the book, revealing one word at a time.
This is what it said:
This gave rise to a massive grin across my chops and a feeling of pure joy.
This is how G-Man works.
You know when you've been touched by the divine. You feel it. You feel in tune with something supreme and your core resonates with it.
Me telling you this is really of no value because words will always only point to the experience, they are not the experience. It's like mistaking the menu for the dishes it represents.
I am merely telling you about the experience for no other reason than to make it clear that it has happened, and that you don't have to be religious or go to church for the G-Man to give you a helping hand.
Like a child, G-Man likes your attention.
Give your definition of G-Man some attention, and watch what happens.
Even if it's just for an experiment.
. . . I've continued with my yoga practice too.
(Music plays such a big part in my life, so from now on I'm going to put a link to a piece of music I like for you to listen to. If you like it, cool . . . if not, that's cool too.)
Boards of Canada - Macquarie Ridge - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKSM-jyQh3o