A Successful Death Cafe

I'm pleased to say that Huddersfield's first Death Cafe went really well.

I was extremely pleased by how it turned out.

There was a total of 13 people (that's including myself). It was held at the World Peace Cafe at the Vajrapani Buddhist Centre in Birkby. I don't think the discussion group could've had a better venue. A sense of calm and serenity ran throughout the cafe as people discussed death and dying - and ultimately life.

Due to the mixed response on Facebook and on the Huddersfield Examiner's website, I wasn't sure if those who had registered would even turn up. I would say that over 90% of them did (some brought their friends) - and afterwards they asked when the next one would be, which was always nice to hear.

The group started at 2:30pm and at about 2:35 a lady walked into the cafe. She went to the counter and ordered herself a coffee. I wasn't sure if she was part of the group and I didn't know how to ask her. Standing at the door holding a sign that said "DEATH & DYING" crossed my mind, but I thought it might put people off.

'I'll ask her,' a friend said.

He walked up to her and I heard him quietly say, 'Excuse me, have you come for the Death Cafe.'

The look she gave him was as if she was staring Mr G Reaper in the face. 'God, no,' she said.

My friend laugh, nervously.

This lady ended up joining the group and was one of the last three people to leave an hour after the group was supposed to finish. 

Even though it was a discussion group based on death, this was only a minute section of the vast range of topics that was covered.

95% of the people who came were meeting one another for the first time. When we talk to strangers we naturally want to share our stories - and over coffee and cake, we naturally listen. When we actively listen to someone it's not only them who benefit, but we do too. Without realising it, when we give someone our attention and our time, a feeling of worth arises within us.

We are giving of ourselves. We are contributing to the greater good.

As for myself, I had to do very little. The admin was taken care of by my good friend, Susan Dewhurst (Over The Rainbow Workshops) and beforehand, all I did was type up and print 10 questions that I thought could be used as a guide, just in case people were stuck for what to talk about next.

The questions were:

1. Do you fear death?

2. How often do you think of death and dying, and why?

3. Do you believe in an afterlife? If you do, how does this belief affect your attitude to death and dying? How does it affect your attitude to living?

(The same goes for if you don't believe in life beyond the physical world; How does this belief affect your attitude to death and dying? How does it affect your attitude to living?)

4. How do you think the Hospice movement has affected our attitude towards death and dying?

5. Do you want to be buried or cremated?

6. Why do you think people don't want to talk about death and dying? Why do you think it is known as a taboo topic?

7. Do you visit cemeteries?

8. Why do you think death is feared by the majority?

9. Have you ever read any books on death and dying?

10. Do you see death as separate from life?

If you're thinking of setting up your own Death Cafe (which is not a cafe but a discussion group based in a cafe) then I highly recommend.

Remember, talking about death is talking about life.

And life isn't that scary, is it?

www.gavinwhyte.co.uk

Just to Clarify . . .

The recent article in the Huddersfield Examiner about the Death Cafe seems to have caused a bit of a stir.

Due to the feedback I've received I feel like I need to clarify a few things:

1. Several people have said how they felt shocked to read that only females in their 30's will be attending the discussion group. This is an error on behalf of the reporter. (I don't think journalists are very good at the game of 'Chinese whispers', as we call it in the UK.) The reporter rang me up and asked me various questions about the nature of the discussion group, its purpose and what kind of people I expect to see there. I told him that two of my friends, who are both in their 30's and female, are going. I said that I expect there to be more women than men, as is usually the case at such events. I went on to say that it's a fact that men find it more difficult to talk about their feelings than women do. They find it harder to open up. Men see it as a sign of weakness, whereas women gain strength from their ability to be open and share.

What I didn't say was that there are only women attending the event. It just so happens that a few men who have registered for the first discussion group.

A friend of mine saw the article and said, 'I didn't know you was setting up a cafe' . . . which brings me onto my next point:

2. A Death Cafe is not a cafe.

I'm not sure who came up with the name "Death Cafe" but it's misleading. It sounds macabre and grim and quite gothic. It's not their fault, it's the thousands of years of badmouthing death that is to blame. The word death brings with it so many negative connotations, so it's no surprise that "Death Cafe" sounds like a mass suicide pact just after a skinny latte and a blueberry muffin . . . Great!

I prefer to call it Talk About Dying - abbreviated to TAD. This way, the venue (which, surprisingly, is usually a cafe) won't be projected as being frightening and eerie.

The article got shared nearly 300 times, which goes to show how many people are interested in shining some light on this taboo topic.

A few jokes popped up which made me laugh. Somebody said that they had been to a Death Cafe the other week but it was dead.

This one made me laugh the most, though: I went to one last week but there was coffin all the way through it.

Brilliant.

So, let me conclude:

• Everybody is welcome at a Death Cafe discussion group. You can be male, female, both or neither (?) Everybody dies, Everybody's welcome (that should be the slogan).
• A Death Cafe is not a cafe. It's a discussion group to discuss all things related to death and dying. Renaming it to TAD (Talk about Dying/Death) might be a very wise move. It certainly helps clarify things.
• Joking about death and dying can be funny at times, but it can also be a great way to mask our fear.

www.gavinwhyte.co.uk 

*Source

Dying for a Coffee?

Have you ever heard of a Death Cafe?

I hadn't, until the other day.

After my talk for the International Day of Happiness, where I spoke about having a daily awareness of death gives rise to happiness and gratitude, I was contacted by the organiser of the event who said she was keen to set up a group where the main topic of discussion would be death.

It sounds grim, right?

But it can be far, far from it, I assure you.

Upon searching the net, she found a growing trend for Death Cafes.

What happens is this: people meet for two hours and talk about death and dying whilst supping a hot beverage and nibbling on a piece of cake.

It's that simple.

I think it's a great idea.

It shines light on a dark topic - a topic which a lot of us prefer to run away from, but ultimately it will catch us up.

Have a look at the death cafe website: http://deathcafe.com/

There's a guide on there to set up your own meeting. You can search for Death Cafes near you. There's advice on what to talk about. There's loads of stuff! Have a look and see what you think.

I honestly think that talking about death and dying can change the way we live. So many of us think that life is continuous . . . and to a degree, I personally think it is (but that's for another post), but we can all agree on the impermanent state of this physical world. Everything about this physical reality is governed by the law of impermanence - there's no escaping it. 

We have given a name to this flow of impermanence. We have called it dying.

And it's about time we sit and chat about it - over coffee and cake.

www.gavinwhyte.co.uk