300 Words a Day - #5 - Stubborn Little Ant

It’s morning. 

I’m in Taipei’s subway.

I’ve just squeezed out of the train.

I’m enjoying breathing and moving my limbs.

So many people. I swear there’re more and more of us.

I’ve been in Taiwan for two and a half years and I find myself thinking, “It wasn’t like this when I first came here.”

It probably was.

I’m walking towards my exit, then something happens.

A shift.

I feel like I’m the only person walking in this direction. 

I’m the stubborn ant, refusing to fall in line.

The wave going against the tide.

An ocean of bodies, waves and waves of them, appear in my field of vision.

Where did you all come from?

I’m in awe.

People.

There are people here.

I can see them.

I can really see them.

“Look at you all.”

…

I can feel a liquid heat rising, from my feet to my chest.

To my throat.

I swallow and bite my lip and suppress a smile.

I’ve seen those who are smiling for no apparent reason; passersby stare at them from the corners of their eyes.

“Just ignore them… don’t stare.”

I’ve even done that myself. 

No trust in a causeless love.

But people aren’t noticing me.

I’m hiding this swelling of emotion like a pro.

Every movement made, every blink, smile, frown, crease of the forehead, you name it, it all absorbs my attention, like I’m watching a flower bloom for the first and last time.

I’m in love.

An inexhaustible ocean of it.

The lump in the throat moves north.

I need to control this.

It’s in the eyes now.

I take a deep inhale, and an extra long exhale.

Now I’m outside, still swimming. 

So is everybody else…

But they don’t know it.

Somebody smiles at me.

Keep walking, don’t stare.

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300 Words a Day - #4 - What Would You Do?

Do you allow yourself to relax?

I like to think I do.

I know the importance of relaxation, and I can so easily dish out the advice to a rushing-Ronny to chill out.

I’m certain there’s something in one or more of my own books about how rushing doesn’t get us anywhere, and how “there’s not enough time to rush.” 

And yet how easily I fall into the trap of rushing away the magic.

Rushing out of panic - out of fear.

I’ve always felt like I’m running out of time.

I’ve spoken to others who share the same concern.

(One of whom died at the age of 22 - cancer’s work.)

We feel we need to do all we can, because life is a slippery ordeal.

What’s around the corner?

Knowing would spoil the surprise.

(Can I have a clue?)

Many years ago, a friend asked me, “Gav, what would you do if you were diagnosed with cancer?”

“Smile and say thanks,” I said.

Such a smooth talker.

The truth is, how on earth would I know how I would react to such news?

I’m reminded of a story Ram Dass shared:

A warlord comes to a village and kills everyone. There’s news of an old monk who won’t leave his temple. The warlord storms over to the temple and approaches him.

“Don’t you know who I am?” cries the warlord. “I could run this sword straight through you, without blinking an eye.” 

The small, old monk looks up at the warlord, smiles and says, “Don’t you know who I am? I could have your sword run through my body and not blink an eye.”

The warlord, amazed and speechless, bows and leaves.

Do I fear the warlord’s sword?

If so, who does that fear belong to?

The monk knew.

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300 Words a Day - #3 - Disappointments

What do you do with disappointment?

Do you allow yourself to be overcome by it, leading to a bout of despair and helplessness, or do you (can you) separate yourself from it, giving you and it space to breathe?

I've had a sting of disappointment recently.

It was my own fault.

I had expectations, and they weren't met.

Expectations...

Why do we have them? They are based on a process that's forever flowing; never stationary.

That’s not safe, nor wise.

Life is forever in flux.

It’s like a tree investing its happiness in summer.

Oh, look… what’s that?

A falling leaf.

Sorry, tree. You were foolish enough to expect summer to grant you forever-lasting happiness.

Trying to find happiness in thinking is just as futile. 

Thoughts come and go, like clouds in the sky, and we only have ourselves to blame when they disappear with the wind.

The mind will do all that the mind does, and it’s up to us to let it.

Stand in its way, and good luck to you.

Resistance is suffering.

It’s laughable when we get all down in the dumps because life didn’t unfold the way we wanted it to.

Who is this we, this I?

The more I go looking, the more I come back empty-handed.

And yet, when expectations aren’t met, I say, “I am disappointed” not, “there is disappointment.”

No room to breathe.

Every time I experience bliss - and I mean true, blissful, present alertness, where everything that is is unconditional love - God - guess who’s absent…

Gavin.

No more individual me. 

No more misidentifying with what isn’t. 

Therefore, my suffering must start with me.

That is, with the thought of I.

Identification with the mind, with thought, is the root cause of suffering.

That’s it.

Identification with what isn’t.

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300 Words a Day - #2 - Step Forward

I set off walking to the cinema. My wife was already there. She went straight after finishing work and got the tickets. It was a national holiday here in Taiwan, so all the cinemas were pretty much full up. Going to watch a movie on your day off proves to be a popular activity.

I was walking along the long bridge, towards the cinema. My backpack on and my earphones in.

The sky was clear and sprinkled with stars. The moon was out, too. Waning or waxing… I never can tell.

Straight ahead, in the distance, was Taipei 101. It looked to be at the end of the bridge, there to greet me when I arrived.

Scanning the urban landscape around me and looking at the city reflecting in the water below, I got a little nostalgic. I began to think about my life and all I had done and how everything had led to this moment, walking in Taipei to meet my Taiwanese wife.

What was I doing ten years ago? 

What was life like for me back then? 

How was I responding to it?

I was 23. 

Was I happy? 

I don’t think so.

I had just made what felt like back then to be the biggest decision of my life so far. 

I had quit making music after 10 years. 

I cried myself to sleep that night. 

It was tough.

I had strived for 10 years and then realized I wasn’t being myself.

I was trying to be someone I wasn’t.

So I trusted my gut and quit.

It was the right decision.

Is there a wrong decision? Can we make a wrong move?

Throw it all in the mix and it’s going to come out somehow.

And no doubt we’ll be wiser for it.

Be brave.

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300 Words a Day - #1 - Let's Do This

Why do I find it so difficult to commit to writing a blog?

Is it because I feel I don't have much to say?

Is it because I feel that people don't care about what I do have to say, so what would be the point in saying it? 

Is it because I'm not passionate enough about the written word?

I thought I was...

Do I put too much pressure on myself to say something meaningful?

Should I just treat it as a writing exercise?

I'm reminded of Ray Bradbury in his book, Zen in the Art of Writing, where he advises the reader, to: 

"Relax. 

Just write."

So here I am, writing about the possible reasons as to why I don't commit to writing anything on here.

Are blogs a dying form now, like CDs and magazines?   

Let's try and care less about commitment and the expression that that commitment might or might not take.

Let's just write.

Write what?

Anything. 

Like, 300 words a day?

Why not. Do it. 

300 words a day about anything. Memories... stories... thoughts... poems... 

We all have a mind that likes to dwell in the past and anticipate the future - there's plenty of writing material to be sifted through there. 

You just have to do it.

Just write.

How about today, how many words have I written here, now?

226.

Okay. Not long to go.

It hasn't been that bad actually. I've quite enjoyed it.

A bit of a release, a venting.

I feel like I’ve achieved something. 

Nothing like life’s little achievements to put you at ease. 

What’s a big achievement, if not a group of little ones, all working in unison? 

I wonder what 300 words I'll write tomorrow... don’t think about it. 

Just relax.

And write.

And there’s my 300 words for the day.

Good.

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A Little Old Fashioned Help

I know a lot of people think astrology is a load of nonsense, because "there is no scientific proof that planets effect us". I'm sure this would change if scientists saw feelings as proof.

The thing I've come to learn about the planets in our solar system, is that their effects are subtle (most of the time). And this subtlety will not be picked up by those who are not sensitive to how they feel, moment to moment.

It's this subtlety that gets so easily overlooked by people who speak of astrology as utter rubbish, when those of us who feel different, know different.

I'm currently in the process of writing my new book and I'm finding it difficult. Really, really difficult. I can be going on for 20,000 words and then suddenly I hit a wall, and that inner-critic comes marching along and tells me everything I've written so far is a load of tosh - it doesn't help that I listen.

I always find that I rush, too, instead of just taking my time. I have so many ideas that I can't wait to get started on them, but I can't do that until this one idea is done with... and so often than not, that inner critic says "Leave it. Start on something else. Your other idea is better. Your other idea will be easier."

(That last one is seriously hard to ignore!)

What's all this got to do with astrology?

Because since I was around 15 I've been reading my daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly astrological forecasts, and the help and advice I've received has been priceless.

Now, the astrologer I started to read all those years ago was Jonathan Cainer. I used to check his website religiously on a night, because that's when the forecasts would be updated for the following day. Now I have his app on my phone. But the thing is, he moved on (passed away) earlier this year, and now his nephew, Oscar, has taken over.

I don't think I was alone in feeling a bit unsure as to how well he could fill his uncle's very large and impressive shoes.

But I'm glad to say he has, and continues to do so in a very similar and eerie fashion.

The following daily forecast was written by Oscar other day, and it was one of those times when I felt like it was written just for me. And please keep in mind that I was pulling my hair out trying to write my book.

CONSIDER THE SISTINE CHAPEL. WHEN MICHELANGELO WAS ON HIS BACK, SUSPENDED IN THE AIR, WITH A PAINTBRUSH IN HIS HAND, HE WAS NOT, WE HOPE, UNDER A DEADLINE TO GET IT ALL FINISHED BY TEATIME. HE WAS CREATING SOMETHING STUNNING, ENGAGED IN A PROCESS THAT NEEDED TO TAKE AS LONG AS IT NEEDED TO TAKE. THE RESULT WAS A MASTERPIECE. NOW, ABOUT YOUR CURRENT UNDERTAKING. IS IT NOT EQUALLY IMPORTANT IN ITS OWN WAY? AS MERCURY AND SATURN ARE ABOUT TO BE CONJUNCT, ALLOW IT TO TAKE THE TIME AND FOCUS IT DESERVES.

And now I'm doing just that and feel all the more better for it.

Thank you, Oscar.


Gavin

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You can find Oscar at cainer.com
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Back to the Blog!

Over a year ago I said goodbye to this blog, but then my website went down and I had nothing else, other than my Facebook author page, to write lengthy pieces on. And I don't know why, but there's something uninspiring about writing long posts on Facebook. Even when I'm on LinkedIn, I never feel that inspired.

So recently I've felt that maybe, just maybe, I'll start this blog up again. I've kept a handwritten journal for years, so maybe it'll just be an extension of that.

The thing about a blog is that you have to write stuff on it, or else it's just a... something that's not a blog.

And seen as though I'm going through the testing process of writing a new book, I thought hey! Why not try the whole blog thing again and record all the blood, sweat and tears involved, so other writers can feel better when they've got sweat in their eyes?

It stings, I know. 

I'm with you. 

So I'm just going to roll with it, no pressure, and see where it takes me.

See you soon.

Gavin

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